Month: February 2018

Posted on

The Unseen Wheel

unseen wheel

While the days march by in a line across our calendar, they are actually cycling through the seasons.

The unseen wheel is always turning while we grind away on the day to day.

This is so easy to forget.

And such a relief to remember.

Reality Bites

I got home last night after visiting a friend for a long weekend.

I had already done my usual Sunday chores and then some, including stopping at my post office box, before I left so the reentry was quite smooth with few steps.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, then unpacked, heated up some dinner and opened up the pile of mail.

At the bottom of the stack was a reality check.

I wish that meant it was a check with earnings for recent time spent living in the present, going with the flow, seeing things as they truly are, instead of how I want them to be.

Nope. It was the opposite.

It was one of my business credit card statements.

The long list of purchases had been necessary investments over the last year of getting my new business off the ground. Or seemed necessary in order to manifest the business.

Perhaps that was just the way I wanted things to be because I believe so much in it?

This was not actually the reality check.

It was the total amount of the credit card statement.

Reality Check

Given the pangs in my gut each time I used the card recently, I knew it was getting up there.

Expenses out without much income in is discouraging. And when you’re starting something new discouragement doesn’t help. At all.

And so, I had been focused on making progress, moving forward, being into each day one at a time without getting bogged down in the details.

What I hadn’t been paying attention to was how up there.

And it had crossed my imaginary tipping point of what seemed safe and doable. Now, it was at the level that seemed risky and scary.

That made my whole gut clench like a fist and yet also hollow out. Like a black hole imploding into itself.

I could instantly feel the hole, perhaps a hole that had been slowly growing over the last year, but that denial had been filling?

I did not feel whole.

Like gusts of cold breeze through an open window, many emotions passed through me as I sank down into my 45-year-old armchair.

  • Hurt by this consequence of past decisions that seemed right at the time,
  • Mourning for past successes not just breaking even, but saving ahead,
  • Anger at well-intentioned but broken systems,
  • Overwhelmed by the task of repairing the imbalance,
  • Scared by the possibility of not closing the hole.

And yet, I knew there was nothing I could do in that moment.

I could eat my dinner and watch a DVD from the library. And make some tea.

When the electric kettle whistled, I went over to the window sill where it’s plugged in. Something outside caught my eye. Something white.

With freezing temperatures across the state, I had driven home that day in rain, sleet and snow. But, arriving home the streets were bare.

Several hours later, in the dark as I was watching a movie and sitting with my feelings and this reality check, snow had quietly begun falling outside.

I looked closer, surprised.

Yes, the yard was in fact dusted with the powdered sugar snow.

Just as the credit card statement had snapped me into the moment, the snow snapped me into the bigger picture.

Reality Check

Of the seasons, the unseen wheel constantly turning. Always in motion.

Of which, gives us our days, weeks, months.

Of a system constantly harmonizing to realign with what’s showing up.

Of which, I am a small part.

And in which I am whole.

And when I consider the whole — of my life, of the natural world, of a mysterious force — I can once again find trust.

That things will work out, somehow.

And perspective. That things work themselves out over time and space, sometimes lots.

And peace.

And so, I find my way back to the natural rhythm as I continue to focus on making progress, moving forward, being into each day one at a time.

Without getting bogged down as I grind away on the day-to-day.

Posted on

There is No Catching Up

no catching up

There is no catching up. Only focusing forward.

I find this hard to believe. Why would the phrase even exist, if it’s not a thing?

Well, perhaps it was a thing once upon a time.

This lesson keeps coming knocking at my little cottage of a life’s door.

Over the last couple weeks, it’s been showing up again and again and I definitely haven’t been “opening the door”:

  • Unsent birthday cards
  • A week’s worth of dirty dishes piled up
  • Two weeks worth of unread emails

And then, it really I started banging at the door when I got behind on writing:

  • Weekly newsletter—that I didn’t write or send—and is supposed to go out on Mondays

Alright, alright. That’s enough. I’m opening the door wide open so this lesson can come right on in.

Teachable Moment: Do I try to catch up by sending out the newsletter later in the week? Or just skip it?

The Myth of Catching Up

The idea of catching up immediately connotes winning and losing for me, just like in a race.

Those who are behind are losing. Those who are ahead, who cross the finish line first are winning.

This win-lose mindset is a form of competition and comparison. And, many will tell you that comparison is the cousin of perfectionism. I agree.

Comparing this to that elevates one, creating it as an ideal. And idealizing is also a form of perfectionism: Seeing things the way we want them to be (often flawless) and not the way they actually are.

For instance, our ideal that life is only good when everything is done, everything is caught up.

Is it possible to catch up?

Sure in the racing analogy, it is, but it likely requires a big push of energy. Energy that might not really be available, hence the slower pace.

Likewise, to take the analogy off the race track and over to real life, not only does catching up expend a lot of energy, but it often neglects other current tasks or prep for upcoming tasks, thus creating even more of a pile up.

This creates a continuous and vicious cycle of catching up.

And, generates a survival mode that is often equated with treading water.

But one can only tread water for so long before drowning, right?

Not the desired outcome.

So, let’s consider this for a second:

Effort requires energy, so energy will be used regardless. But, catching up from behind often takes even more energy. So then, why aren’t we putting our energy into focusing forward, instead of catching up?

How to Get Caught Up

Let’s go back to the example at hand: Monday came and went and because of a series of choices and distractions, I didn’t write or send my weekly newsletter.

And, for context, I will be traveling Thursday and Friday, so it is a short week of work.

What are the possible next steps?

  • Hustle to write it and send it out today.
  • Let the guilt hang over me all week and attempt to get it out another day.
  • Let go of it. Accept the lose and move forward for next week.

This last option is the only way to actually get caught up: Focusing forward.

Makes sense, right?

Like in dancing — miss a beat, catch the next one. Don’t start the whole song over every time.

Then, why is it so hard to do?

In this newsletter instance, because I made a promise, a commitment to dependability with a Monday delivery. Breaking that promise means I’m going back on my word.

Note: I can’t quickly locate any of the communications research I studied in graduate school, but there is plenty that correlates trust in communication with consistent time and day of distribution, thus dependability. So, it’s not simply my work ethic.  

Wanting to relieve that discomfort, my guilt leads me to bargaining. Trying to find a compromise, for instance, sending later in the week with an apologetic disclaimer.

But any compromise is just that. I’m not just bargaining with my past then, but also with my future.

Catching up inevitably leads to a trade-off of some future accomplishment.

After all, there are only so many hours in the day.

Staying Caught Up

By focusing forward, we can actually stay “caught up.”

Let’s use an example I hear all the time: “Let’s grab coffee and catch up.”

Imagine you haven’t someone in six months and a lot has happened since then so, of course, you want to be filled in.

But, by the time both of you get caught up with sharing stories from the last six months, your coffee’s are cold, the available time has elapsed and you haven’t necessarily shared what’s going on right now.

That’s okay. You can hear about what’s happening right now in another six months when you get the re-runs at your next coffee!

Or…you could each share what’s happening, interesting and important in your lives right now.

What’s happened has happened. That doesn’t make it unimportant. Simply not current.

If it was important, like a death in the family, then it’s likely still part of the present and so will probably come up in reference to a story related to today.

Thus, when coffee is done you’ll be moving forward in your lives together.

This is something I’ve been practicing for awhile, including reframing the encounter to cut out the catching up: “Let’s get coffee and connect” (about right now).

Lives of Catching Up

By focusing on staying current—doing what gets done, learning about right now, rescheduling what’s critical and discarding the rest—life starts to actually feel doable.

Instead of that oppressive feeling of not getting anywhere.

In the last couple weeks I’ve noticed how pervasive this idea of catching up is throughout my whole life. I’m always catching up. Not just with work projects and tasks or with friends, but with everything.

There is no room for falling behind, none the less for the present, because the future is already spoken for.

Just in January alone, three books were recommended to me that related to what I’m currently curious about or studying. I wanted to read them so I checked them out of the library.

Each night, I pass my bookshelf to get into bed and the other day, I glanced over at the top shelf as I carried one of the new library books up to bed with me.

As I paused, I realized:

  • All the books on that shelf were ones I wanted to read when I moved them from my last apartment nine months ago,
  • I had read exactly one book from that shelf in the last nine months,
  • I carried guilt about not following through on my good intentions, and perhaps most poignantly,
  • There was no room for new books!

Even though I had downsized and gotten rid of half my belongings in the move, apparently I had still moved many, many good intentions. Tiny plans for the future.

Not a bad future, but one based on an imagined reality, not an informed one. Not what’s showing up right now.

Beyond the bookshelf, I noticed tiny, good intentions everywhere—surplus bubble wrap, tissue paper, boxes, lotion, soap.

It’s true, most of those practical items will be needed someday in my life. But right now, they add to the pile up of things that my life needs to catch up to!

Catching Up On Life

Like reframing coffee date encounters, releasing good intentions is a relatively minor mindset shift and easily implementable once noticed.

But, what about lost time?

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to my Dad about my life right now—we stay pretty current and active in each others’ lives—and about starting over this year with a new business at 35 years old.

He asked an informed and relatively innocent question:

“But how are you going to get financially secure by 40? It’s very hard to catch up after that.”

What he meant was, given how little I’d been able to earn and save to date in my entrepreneurial pursuits, how would this new business earn me the income over the next five years to buy a home and create a nest egg for retirement that will mature over 20-30 years so that I can actually retire.

It’s a valid question. Especially for a caring parent to ask. Albeit one who settled down financially in a different, booming economic era.

My answer: It’ll will be tough. And possibly unlikely.

Definitely unlikely if I’m focused on catching up, instead of on focusing forward.

Begin Again, In Love

What does focusing forward look like?

Lots of grace. Accepting what is, both what didn’t happen as expected or planned, and any resulting guilt. As quickly as possible.

The vast majority of what doesn’t happen wasn’t a must, but a should as Elle Luna so elegantly expounds in her Medium post.

Putting faith in the musts—what must get done always does—there is once again plenty of time.

From this blank slate, we can “begin again in love” as the Reverend at the church I attend likes to quote.

And from love is born all of the grace and most (if not all) of the musts that our life actually needs.

But, will love help me find financial security by 40, I can imagine my Dad wondering?

Love for all my fellow soul searchers also figuring out how to be whole in the here and now? My guess is yes.

The immediate lesson for this week’s teachable moment is clear: skip the newsletter and move on, wholeheartedly, to write this post for another week’s newsletter.

Posted on

Gone Sabbathing

gone sabbathing

Just as a fisherman makes new bait and packs up his tackle box so that he has what he needs to peacefully sit in his boat and do nothing while he’s “gone fishing,” I’ve noticed that preparing for Sabbath makes the time so much sweeter.

Over the years of observing the gift of Sabbath there have been days when everything was ready and days when everything was in disarray.

And even a day or two when I skipped Sabbath because I wasn’t “done” with the week yet.

The following week was even harder to get through, not easier.

Happy (& Unhappy) Sabbath

When my cottage has piles of good intentions and undone to-dos scattered around when the weekend arises, I’ve ended up in a vegetative state of “rest” on Sabbath.

I’d watch movies or read for hours on end.

Technically, I’m not doing anything, so still “sabbathing,” right?

Yet, the following day I’ll feel empty and drained instead of full and invigorated.

Other times, I’ve escaped the mess, spending the day out exploring in the world. I return feeling full, but still a bit spent.

I understand the intention behind many traditions having specific guidelines (or often very specific rules) about how to enter Sabbath.

It’s true, the day is more accessible and sweeter when my life is ready to take a break.

And, interestingly, my mindset matters more than the mess.

When my body is ready to take a break as well, when I’ve emptied my mind and heart of grievances and concerns, then it doesn’t bother me as much.

Acts of Service, Acts of Love

As Shelly Miller writes in Rhythms of Rest, “when we run errands early in the week, clean up the house, prepare food for the weekend, these are acts of love at the root.”

She says that preparation is an act of love and rest is an act of faith.

I usually think of errands, cleaning, cooking etc. as acts of obligation.

But, when they are in preparation for something special, like a holiday or a holy day, they do take on a different motivation.

I sense the devotion to myself and my loved ones as I double down on the housework or email.

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman describes this as Acts of Service: “doing things you know ____________ (name of someone you love) would like you to do.”

In other words, Chapman says, you seek to please them by serving them, to express your love by doing things for them.

And, I think this starts with ourselves.

But, I think the idea of self love is misleading. Self love doesn’t exist.

There is always love there.

A love that is whole and keeps me whole. Because, the whole cannot be whole without all of me.

But, when my devotion is lacking, when there are holes of fatigue or hurt or disappointment or fear, it is harder to do these acts of service, acts of love.

This is where the faith comes in.

Preflight Checklist

Knowing, from wisdom and intuition, what will make things better for later.

Knowing that the satisfaction, joy, elation later will be far greater than the effort now.

And, it can be even more effortless when done already feeling joyful anticipation.

What will make Sabbath easier?

This list can get very long, but I’ve noticed that there are usually a few key things that really matter.

If undone, they’ll hang over me or get in my way. Or create a gap that jerks me out of my flow.

Like not having anything in the house to eat.

Everybody’s checklist of priorities is different.

For me, it is:

  • An empty sink,
  • A tidy home,
  • Groceries and optimally pre-made meals,
  • Critical emails sent

And, if I’m really in a groove, what will make the day after easier?

  • Errands run
  • Quick look ahead to following week
  • And in my current routine, my next blog post done and newsletter prepped

Acts of service go beyond showing devotion to ourselves and to others, and include receiving service.

Which begs the question: Who can help with these preparation priorities?

Asking for and receiving help may actually be the greatest form of satisfaction, joy, elation.

And this is all before Sabbath!

Weekly Wind Down

“As I prepare on Saturday by cooking meals and completing chores, the process becomes a door slowly closing on distractions in order to be fully present with my people. The day is aromatic with anticipation as the kids hover around me in the kitchen, salivating over the smells simmering on the stove top and bread baking in the oven. Joy is an undercurrent of Sabbath when we make the day celebratory. And rested people make for a peaceful home,” writes Shelly Miller.

Whether Sabbath falls on Saturday or Sunday or some other time of the week, whether it’s seen as the end of the week or the beginning of the week, it is a transition.

A way to digest what was and pause before entering what will be.

In order to more fully pause, it is an opportunity to digest, process and release.

Worries, misbeliefs, concerns, joys, questions, discoveries.

And that opportunity starts in the preparation.

In Jewish traditions, varying greatly per movement and especially between Orthodox and Reform from what I’ve learned, there are specific rituals or steps to Sabbath preparation.

For example: shopping for ingredients then cooking, baking or picking up the challah, bathing, cleaning and beautifying the home with flowers, for example.

There is a bit of hustle to it, but these steps go beyond effort, they slowly get one out of the mind, into the body and back into the soul.

Join others from around the country in the next Sabbath Course as we explore and practice together, inspired by an interfaith, personal approach to this universal tradition. This 7-week course includes fun weekly activities, weekly community gatherings online and your own practice. You’ll experience what students describe as a “positive and significant impact on my personal growth and spiritual exploration.”

Proudly powered by WordPress