It’s been a beautiful, strange two weeks: Hoping for a miracle, sitting with a reality, mourning a loss. I have been gratefully aware of life—and the distinct difference between being alive versus feeling alive. It’s not just wording. It is a different sensation.
Two weeks ago, I went back to my naturopath for another intrauterine insemination (IUI) attempt with donor sperm on a Monday. On that Wednesday, I woke up with cold symptoms that turned out to be COVID-19 positive. And then Sunday was the anniversary of the day we lost my Mom 19 years—nearly half my life—ago.
There was a sort of purity, simplicity and rawness in all of these elements of the circle of life converging at the very same time. Not fateful or correlated. Just beautiful and strange.
I sure wouldn’t have planned it this way, if I was in charge of planning.
But, like my new favorite Buddhist mantra says: Right now, it’s like this.
This is life.
Luckily, I only experienced mild COVID symptoms for a few days. After two years of fearing this virus, I was gratefully aware of being alive. Simple things: Sleeping, breathing, walking, pain, smelling, hunger, tasting. I didn’t feel awful. I didn’t feel good. But I felt.
And then, there was the first day I woke up gratefully aware of feeling alive. Simple things: alertness, clarity, strength, energy. I didn’t feel wonderful. But I glowed. I felt like myself again.
That day I stepped out of isolation to cautiously take a walk. Bundled up in my long puffy coat, I took deep breaths of the fresh, cold, winter air. I noticed flowers, trees, clouds like I’d never seen them before. And as I kept walking, I noticed how much I preferred this sensation: this feeling alive.
In fact, it was the only sensation that I considered worth living.
I had to sit on the curb and think about that for a good long minute, or twelve:
- How was feeling alive different from being alive?
- Why was vivacity better than existence?
- Aren’t we all just lucky to be alive?
We are, we are.
It is such a miracle to create life. It is so hard to stay present to ever-changing reality. It is even harder to accept constant loss.
While there is a distinct difference, a different sensation, between being alive and feeling alive, there is no hierarchy. One is not better than the other.
Even if it feels like it is.
The only “better” is aligning to what is.
Right now, it’s like this.
May you be and feel alive this week.
Love,
Jules
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