Personal Growth Archives - Page 8 of 8

January 17, 2018

The Cult of Busy

I was a full-fledged member of the cult of busy. We all are.

I don’t recall when, but it probably began before I started using a planner in high school (that I designed for optimal homework, goal and activity tracking).

Or was voted “Most Involved” in the yearbook our Senior year.

And it just got worse from there: overcommitted, overachieving, overwhelmed for the next 15 years. Welcome to “adulthood”!

A vicious cycle of apps to optimize my time and practices to mitigate my stress.

Constantly acknowledged with awe and trepidation by others: “I don’t know how you do it all!”

I had become the epitome of a busy body filling in my life with busy work.

But as Henry David Thoreau asked in the 1850s, “it is not enough to be busy (the ants are busy), we must ask: what are we busy about?”

Why was I so busy?

Compulsive Busyness

“…much of the busyness that we see around us everyday is compulsive busyness. Somebody is avoiding something…[The busyness] can involve us in the most worthy of good works only to distract us from entheos and deny us the privilege of being really useful,” wrote Robert Greenleaf back in the 1970s.

That’s a mouthful, but it is exactly how I was living before I started this blog. How?

I was “compulsively busy” – constantly doing to be doing.

Multiple service and leadership commitments, multiple client projects, running a business, spending time with my family and so many friends – all over the country, traveling all the time, personal growth projects and groups, extensive spiritual practices, hyper-organized home, baking from scratch, driving friends to the airport and the list goes on somehow.

Still “Most Involved” in seemingly the most worthy of good works.

Living life to the fullest, right?

Then, what was I avoiding?

Entheos, the Greek word for the God within, the way the divine creative energy moves through us toward what the world really needs.

In other words, my personal mission: I am in the world to change the world with my creativity.

And as Greenleaf says: the privilege of being really useful.

Everything is Work

What does really useful look like?

My sense is it has little to do with time or effort or money. The resources we measure our lives in.

I think it has to do with our other main resource: our energy.

Or as Julian Gresser describes as our “creative emotion or vitality” when speaking to the relative value of these four resources in Piloting Through Chaos (time, effort, money, energy).

In his TEDTalk and book about The Art of Stillness, Pico Iyer shares that after a 30-year study of time diaries, two socioligists found that Americans were actually working fewer hours than we were in the 1960’s, but we feel as if we are working more (underlining added for emphasis).

Perhaps because everything is “work” nowadays.

And/or we approach everything with the attitude that it is work, that it is labor – taking time, requiring effort, costing money. And draining energy.

In preparation for a session about work and spirituality I was leading in 2015, I audited my own work.

All of it. Paid work, unpaid service, leadership and pro bono work, domestic work (including caregiving and housekeeping) and informal work (including favors). Pretty much anything that didn’t feel like play or leisure.

I was shocked.

Adding in caregiving, housework, volunteering, commuting, grooming etc. and it seemed like 80 percent of my life was “work.”

For some, sleep is the only time they’re not “working.”

No wonder I constantly felt depleted, my energy in frequent flux of high highs and low lows, and completely burning out every few months.

Why did everything feel like work – so effortful, instead of effortless? Or simply neutral?

I was drawing my energy from an empty well.

Like one researcher who studies Christmas Holiday Cards discovered and shared in an interview with Brigid Shulte for Overwhelmed,

“My God, people are competing about being busy. It’s about showing status. That if you’re busy, you’re important. You’re leading a full and worthy life.”

Taking a Break

“Without time to reflect, to live fully present in the moment and face what is transcendent about our lives, we are doomed to live in purposeless and banal busyness…It creates this ‘unquiet heart,’ as Saint Augustine said, that is ever desperate for fulfillment,” said another researcher in an interview with Shulte.

It was a few years ago when I was asked, “But, when do you rest?”

In a quick, instantaneous audit of my life, I could only think of one example.

Going away on retreats every few months.

Cherished times of being, of following the divine energy, of feeling full, of feeling whole.

I saw these times as an exception, not accessible in “real life,” on a weekly or a daily basis.

So deep in the belief that busyness was the way that I was being really useful.

I needed more time to reflect, to live fully present in the moment, to face what is transcendent about life.

I needed a break.

And on a regular basis.

As I started to peel away the worthy distractions and set aside time for not doing each week, it became more clear how I was called to be. How I have always been called.

But, had also come to most fear: creating, writing, designing, teaching.

Resting the Whole, Resting the Soul

“In the 1950s, some prominent thinkers predicted that the post-World War II boom in productivity and the ever-rising incomes and standards of living for Americans and the industrialized world could only mean that we were entering a new age of unprecedented leisure,” describes Shulte.

“All our basic needs would be met. Free from toil, we could begin to savor its fruits. True to the Greek ideal of the good life, we would spend our time cultivating the mind and the soul.”

It was just over a year ago on a Circle of Trust retreat facilitated by The Center for Courage & Renewal when I was asked, “What in your life needs a pause? A break? A rest?”

I had been giving my life a break each week, a whole day of stepping out of the busyness, for several years by then.

The question seemed familiar and yet a completely fresh perspective.

But, this question seemed bigger, broader.

Taking a day off per week away from routine and schedules had started giving time a break. And I had been taking a break from money for almost a year by then. And I had started to step back from commitments and focus my efforts.

So, what in my life needed a break?

My soul. My life force. My energy.

Not a break from being (not sure that’s possible), but a chance to simply be without all the resistance.

I am paying especially close attention to my energy. Devoted to being in the sweet spot.

There is still some resistance, and thus tensions, but now it’s to the rest of the world’s busyness, not my own.

Things are feeling more effortless, including doing my “work.” The other work is still work, though I have way less interest in it, so there’s a lot less of it and now feels more neutral.

Not a one time fix. Now, I commit to this intention everyday.

As Naomi Shihab Nye writes in her poem, Red Brocade, from 1952:

No, I was not busy when you came!
I was not preparing to be busy.
That’s the armor everyone put on
to pretend they had a purpose
in the world.

Join others from around the country in the next Sabbath Course as we explore and practice together, inspired by an interfaith, personal approach to this universal tradition. This 7-week course includes fun weekly activities, weekly community gatherings online and your own practice. You’ll experience what students describe as a “positive and significant impact on my personal growth and spiritual exploration.”

January 1, 2018

Self Love is Always There, Yet Doesn’t Exist

“There is no such thing as self love,” my friend said the other night as we sat around the fire pit in his backyard.

He hosts a monthly community fire as a space for us to come together. We sit and listen and share.

And eat chocolate and some smoke cigars as we consider the whole – of the world, of our society, of our communities, of our selves, of ours souls.

Sitting on the ground near the fire, I leaned forward when he said this, wanting to hear more as “Self Love” was something I’d been thinking a lot about lately in my Winter Solstice and New Year’s intentions setting preparations. Especially since the term seemed silly to me, though I didn’t quite know why. Nor did I have a better term.

The friend relayed the rationale presented by another elder in the Huitchol community, a native Mexican tribe, in which he is an initiated shaman, which I’ll paraphrase.

It all made perfect sense to me.

Self Love is a Misnomer

Self love is a common phrase. Love of one’s self. But, by separating love and self it implies that we can have love for our self…or not.

And in having options, we can choose to love or not to love.

“Unconditional love” is a similar phrase, commonly used, arguably inaccurate.

Though I’m sure there are many people and professions who have explored this topic, I believe I was reading Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen’s essays years ago when I had my Aha! moment understanding the inaccuracy of “unconditional love.”

Here’s how I recall the rationale:

For unconditional love to exist, then conditional love must exist.

But if it’s conditional, then it’s not love.

So when we say unconditional love, we really mean love.

Just so, self love is simply love. And it’s a given. Always.

Just as we all have dignity and are all inherently worthy.

So, there is no such thing as self love.

And yet, almost everyone referenced self love while we were sharing what was on our hearts right now, at this time of year, on the cusp of the holidays and a new calendar year during our conversation around the fire.

So then, what do we really mean when we say self love?

Self Love is Actually Self Devotion

I think nowadays self love is synonymous with self care, of how we take care of our body and mind. Perhaps because there seems to be something deeper that drives self care.

Perhaps devotion, akin to “Bhakti”?

This is a term in Hindu culture and spirituality with many meanings that was introduced to me by one of my yoga teachers, Emily Light.

Most often it refers to one’s spiritual commitment. It also “refers to the perfected state of consciousness – exclusive and continuous love of God, the natural condition of the soul; eternal, enlightened bliss,” according to Radhanath Swami.

Over the years, I’ve been noticing a lack of devotion, of bhakti, to my soul, along with my self and body.

It’s a big realization. Perhaps that’s why it’s taken years to digest.

I had adapted so deeply into the way I thought I should be, I no longer paid any attention to the way I need to be.

The should was driven by attempting to function, fit in, succeed, and ultimately serve basic needs of self care, for instance shelter, warmth, food, healthcare.

When I started working independently years ago, I also starting paying a lot more attention to the way I need to be, or rather the way I am.

And to the conforming routines, habits, thoughts, and beliefs I had developed.

I sensed that if I were to survive “making a living” independently, it needed to be in my own way.

Self Devotion Generates Self Care

A way that simply needs me – my body and self – to follow, to obey.

Given an independent, driven personality, those are not easy words for me to swallow.

For me, it’s easier to understand all of this when I make it tangible and apply human characteristics to this stuff.

Last year especially, I learned that my body and self “knows” exactly how to take care of itself, what it needs, not only how to stay balanced in homeostasis, but how to constantly adapt in allostasis.

For instance, my allergies are a constant personal alarm system. Though often annoying like when a smoke alarm goes off while cooking dinner, it’s very useful!

Quite awe-some actually that my central nervous system is so attuned.

Thus, in being a devoted follower of our senses, intuition, body and being – the “containers” of our soul – we show respect.

A feeling or understanding that “someone [in this case our selves] is important and should be treated in an appropriate way.”

We are indeed “putting ourselves first” or rather attending to ourselves first. Just like love being a given, this devotion becomes a given, and so does self care.

I have noticed that as I follow my bodies’ needs and obey its indicators – feeling tired, hungry, angry, nervous, scared – self care naturally proceeds.

What is “self care” other than caregiving?

Caregiving is most often thought about as something we do for others, especially related to an elderly or disabled person or to children.

But, we’re already doing it all day, every day for ourselves: taking a shower, brushing our teeth, grooming, making meals, transporting, feeding and the list goes on and on.

Love is a Given

During the conversation around the fire about this pervasive, but actually nonexistent idea of self love, someone mentioned how the Greeks has many different words and forms for love.

Greek Types of Love:

Agape – divine love
Phileo – friendship love
Storge – parental or sacrificial love
Eros – romantic love

Note: the Greeks did not have a term for “self love.” More validation that there is no such thing as self love!

Clearly, the through line between all these terms is love, that omnipotent force. That just is – or isn’t – there (for eros, storge, phileo).

Perhaps there are people whose selves or souls are so deeply wounded that love isn’t there.

My optimism makes we believe these people are few.

Love Keeps Me Whole

I know I am not one of them. I would not have fought so hard, “obsessively,” as one mentor noted, pursuing the Way…to get out of my own way…to be in my own way…if the love was not deep and true and always there.

A love that is whole and keeps me whole. Because, the whole cannot be whole without all of me.

This conversation lasted long into the night, actually into the next day, as we all realized around 12:15 am that our bodies were actually quite tired, even as our hearts were stirred.

As I drove home and for the last couple weeks, I have been swishing this revised understanding around and finding so much more clarity about my focal points in my life next year.

I had identified “self love” as the most important area of focus, followed by my new lifestyle business, followed by finances and fitness, and throughout all, lots more fun.

But, wait.

If “self love” is actually love, which is always there, and when devoutly paid attention to automatically generates caregiving. Then, by simply following my being every moment, of everyday will lead to everything.

That’s pretty profound.

So simple, but said that way, seems enormous.

To make it more concrete for now, instead of self love I think I’ll call it Bhakti or self devotion (respect for “the natural condition of the soul”), and work with the mantra “obey my body” to turn the intention into action.

Perhaps now that I understand, I will simply live that. Doubtful, from my experience.

I expect this will be an intention I solidify in 2018, though continue living into the rest of my life.

Tag: Personal Growth